I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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