my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
