Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Randomize
