I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Randomize
