Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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