Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Randomize
