Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
