worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
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