I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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