do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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