I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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