i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
