the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
