The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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