I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
