Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
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