need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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