Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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