Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
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