I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
