You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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