the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
