I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I touched a dick in church today
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
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