So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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