She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
