So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Randomize
