ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
