When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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