I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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