In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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