I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Randomize
