somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
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