my being single is dangerous.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
Randomize
