My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
His hands were made for my vagina.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
