The maid of honor just puked.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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