a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
no more duck duck goose at the bar
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
