At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
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