you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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