It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Randomize
