we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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