I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Randomize
