I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
sarcasm needs its own font
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
