I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
