new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
