My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
