i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
