I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
