did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
