Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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