He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Randomize
