he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
