When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
