were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
